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Negotiating with a Pro Domme as a Person with Disabilities

Avatar placeholder Article by Switch Lori DiLetto Blog Slixa Late Night

The thoughtful advice and opinions of the author of this article are meant to be informative and entertaining and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Slixa.

As a person with disabilities, chances are you’re already pretty good at explaining your needs to other people. Negotiating with a Domme can be intimidating, though. There’s a common misconception that, in order to be a good sub, one must be able to take whatever the Domme wants to dish out, no questions asked. Subs with a physical inability to kneel or to hear commands may therefore be worried they’ll displease their dominatrix. However, a BDSM scene should always be about the needs and desires of both participants, and a sub should never be made to feel less-than for having limitations. As long as you communicate openly with a pro Domme, your session should run smoothly. Here are the top tips for talking about what you need and getting what you want.

1. Some invisible disabilities are relevant; some visible ones are not. Just because your disability isn’t visible to the casual observer doesn’t mean you should keep it a secret from your Domme. Diabetes, epilepsy, PTSD, arthritis and any number of other invisible conditions can affect your ability to safely engage in certain BDSM activities. Sometimes, your disabilities can even affect the session in ways you may not anticipate, so it’s best to be open with your Domme to avoid any complications. On the other hand, if you’re certain that your condition won’t affect the session in any way, it’s not necessary to make a note of it. Even visible disabilities don’t need to be taken into consideration in all circumstances.

2. Don't feel obligated to overshare. It may be necessary to inform your Domme of your current limitations, but you don’t need to tell her your entire health history or let her in on irrelevant information. You have a right to privacy, and your scene partner probably doesn’t want to know all that much anyway!

3. Tell her what you need to avoid and make suggestions for what to do instead. Sharing the name of your condition isn’t always enough information for your Domme to be able to accommodate you. If you have a less common disability or if your Domme seems unfamiliar with it, it’s a good idea to let her know how it affects your functioning. Explain that it causes mobility limitations/ limited sight/ etc. and let her know if there are any specific objects or activities you know you’ll need to avoid. It can also be helpful to share what has worked for you in the past. If you usually substitute sitting for kneeling, don’t hesitate to let her know

4. Recognize the signs of a Domme who doesn't get it, and get out of there. Any Domme worth her salt should know how to work safely and smoothly with clients with disabilities. It’s possible, however, that your Domme won’t know what to do or how to do it gracefully. If you suspect she can’t give you the kind of session you want, don’t be afraid to end your engagement and find a pro who knows what’s up. A Domme who ignores your limits, doesn’t provide requested accommodations, seems baffled by your different needs, uses dismissive or derisive language to refer to you or your disability, or talks down to you like a child is someone you’d be better off not seeing. You deserve to session with someone who treats you well (when not consensually hurting you!)

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