If you’ve spent any time in your local or online kink communities you may have encountered discussions centering on what a Trueî Dominant, switch, submissive, masochist or sadist might do, say, wear or be. Someone might say Real Dominant women don’t wear corsets because that’s like putting themselves in bondage.î or You’re not a real masochist if you can’t take a little pain.î Some even talk down to switches saying their indulgence in the opposite role ruins them as Dominants and submissives. What can you do when faced with such narrow views? Stay true to yourself by upholding your boundaries and enjoying your kinks just the way you like them.
Maybe you agree with some sentiments, but some offend you or seem completely off. This is because how you identify yourself when you play has little to do with whether or not you always do as your Master tells you, wear collars, leather or corsets and sky scraping high heels, can do a marathon scenes with the scariest sadist in town or allow slaves to use your first name casually. Every role in BDSM can be as deep and multifaceted as the person who identifies with it. No two Dominants, submissives or masochists will be alike or believe the same things about why and how they play. Don’t let someone bully you into questioning the role you choose or push your boundaries by telling you how to be real.”
When someone says îA real Dominant would do X.î What they are really telling you is what they want individually, voicing their expectations in a scene. Don’t take it personally, not everybody’s kinks will match up, especially when one is set on absolutes like a real submissive always does X.” No one can define your role for you, only you can choose how and why you play or whether you are Dominant, submissive, sadist or masochist, Top, bottom or a mix of every role. With my next posts in this series I want to address each BDSM role and clear up some of the misconceptions around what being a trueî BDSM practitioner is all about.