Finding someone who:
- you have chemistry with, both sexually and socially
- lives close enough to be accessible
- is in the right place with themselves and wants the same things that you want
- and actually likes you
…is so influenced by variables outside of our control. How can dating possibly be easy or fun with these odds?!
This can be especially tough when it comes to being kinky. Kinks immediately shrink the pool of prospects, and the more vital the kink is to sexual satisfaction, the smaller the pool can get.
Even vanilla folk who may seem relatively cool can react poorly to kinks and fetishes; although we have been deemed mentally sound, society overall still doesn’t understand our supposedly “off-kilter” desires. Even if a normie is on board with your business, it can be a buzzkill to have to explain every minute detail of how to perform the acts meaningfully. They often just don’t get it, and can still harbor some negative assumptions about what your interests “really mean”.
While the ideal situation is to find someone whose desires are perfectly congruent with yours, that can be really tough to find, especially if your perversions get pretty hardcore.
What can we do about it?
- Utilize online dating as much as you can.
I know, I know; online dating is so horrible and why can’t we all just meet people the old fashioned way and so on and so forth.
Adjust your perspective. Online dating can be your greatest ally in finding a fellow pervert to play with. It allows you to state some of your interests upfront, without having a confrontation or weird conversation with someone you are dating, as well as allows you to screen your matches.
- Explore your own boundaries. Evaluate how open your own mind is about fetishes other than yours.
I’ve known a few fetishists who find all other fetishes other than their own to be disgusting. I have known more than a few BDSM players who were extremely self-righteous about their kinks, insisting that any dynamic but the one that turns them on is either less “real” or less worthy of respect.
You are completely within your rights to feel however you want, but having this attitude is going to minimize your options significantly (oh, and a few people will think you’re an asshole). You will have more success if you really evaluate which, if any, fetishes you may be willing to try with a partner, even if they aren’t part of your own repertoire of interests. I’m not encouraging you to avidly pursue things you aren’t interested in, or to violate your own boundaries, but to remember that compromising with another kinky person who is willing to sate your devious cravings can work in your favor.
You may be surprised, too. You may end up trying a fetish you weren’t drawn to on your own, and the excitement of your partner may inspire you.
- Remember that dating for everyone, not just kinky people, is largely about time and luck.
No matter how hard you work, how handsome you are, how successful your career is, how many fascinating hobbies you have, or how lovely a person you are, you may still find yourself being single for longer than you’d like. It happens to almost everyone at some point.
The best thing you can do is keep putting yourself out there. Utilize online dating, but also get out there into your kinky community. Meet people. Take classes. Do fun and exciting things. Don’t do them with the sole intention of meeting someone; do them because they enrich your life and make you a more intelligent, fascinating person.
Oh, and if you do find a partner, see if they’d like to visit your favorite provider along with you…double your fun!
In an upcoming article, I will go into detail about how to use Okcupid to its maximum capacity to find your kinky soulmate (or maybe it should be SOLEMATE… are you with me, foot fetishists??). If you have questions about kink, sex, and dating in your personal life, tweet me @mistressaradia.